Hi guys! Long time no post, I know, and all that jazz…But I really felt like I had to write something today.
It’s exactly one year since I was diagnosed, and frankly, it’s got me wondering where I am now today. This time last year, I was waiting in the clinic to see Doc for the first time, having already had an argument with Mum over my paltry breakfast of plain oats and water…had a blood test, quarreled with mum over my lunch of tomato soup…life really sucked. One year on, I’ve embraced more food groups, eating three meals and one snack is back to being the norm, I’ve gotten my period back. Progress?
I just had an appointment with Doc yesterday, and that, added with some things that have happened this past week (month!) with Mum and myself…let’s just say things aren’t the same anymore.
I’ve been..purging.
I am NOT proud of this, and I swear, I would do anything to go back to a time before I had this compulsion to sick everything up. It SUCKS, big time–and anyone who thinks that having your food defy gravity and your body’s mechanisms to keep it in your stomach…is seriously stupid. I know, easy for me to say.
NO IT’S NOT. I’ve sworn to stop, and I’m proud to say I haven’t done that stick-your-head-down-the-toilet for a week now. Maybe I’m lucky in that I got caught early before it became a major habit and problem–thanks, Mum–but seriously. ED mutating and everything…things have really gotten out of control over this month.
Mum has decided that she’s going to go completely hands-off. How much I eat, when and what I eat…it’s up to me now, though she often reminds me with that Peter Parker quote, paraphrased to become “with freedom comes responsibility”. She said that she’s realized that al this manhandling and ‘force-feeding’ hasn’t gotten the both of us anywhere. Just led me to the toilet–literally–and it’s ruining our relationship. So I’m given absolute free reign…with the knowledge that hitting rock bottom means only two things. The coffin or crawling my way back up.
Truth be told, it’s kind of overwhelming, having to make decisions and accept that yes, I’m eating because I want to eat.
Piss off, ED.
I’m no longer required to take supplements, and while all this is liberating–I haven’t felt this unstressed and relieved for a long, long time–figuring out what to replace it with everyday is both an exciting and worrisome thing. Ah well. I’m glad to say that I’ve managed to have something everyday, instead of skipping out on snacks altogether. I’ve had a blueberry bar (like an overgrown fig newton in disguise), peanut butter Kashi bar in oats…and a banana muffin.
SCORE!
I don’t know. What with Mum, the T and Doc telling me it’s time to take responsibility…I’m done. I’m done pretending everything is under control, that I can ignore this problem for the rest of my life. NO WAY, NO HOW. It’s been one year, I’m about to turn seventeen, I’ve had it playing pretend.
(Especially since if this continues, I’m going to be put on anti-psychotics…but that’s another thing altogether!!!)
This kind of feels like a fresh start. Wacko, idealistic, unrealistic, call it whatever, but I’m not playing games with myself anymore.
Phew, done with the hard talk and the ranting. Maybe I am delusional?!?! 0_o Anyway, I’m just really thrilled out of my socks (figuratively speaking)!
I’m going to TOKYO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My dad just woke me up on Monday morning and asked if I’d like to go to Tokyo with him…and here I am, preparing the itinerary for the trip next week!
Did I mention that I’m so frigging excited?

I am worried about mealtimes and all that, but really, I just wanna kick ED out of the way and have a GOOD TIME. I’ve missed out on trips with my family because of ED. This time, NOT ANYMORE. First trip in 2 years…and I am determined to have a blast with my dad. So lovies, gonna come back with photos and tales galore…yay!
Have a very Happy New Year, everyone:) May 2010 be an even more awesome year for all of you!
Hugs and kisses by the ton <3
































