I say “up”, you say “down”

I think the highlight of the week was really Thursday. Well, you could say it was because the bad girl in me got to cut class (even if it was for Doc’s appointment and to see my T) but really, Thursday was good because I had an…interesting session with the T.

And ‘cos I went broke for good reason. I may whinge over my now empty wallet, but my food pantry is now comfortably stocked.

Sorry for the horrible lighting, but now that we’ve established my mediocrity at photo taking! can I now please rant at how pleased as punch I am at finally getting (among others):
Fage
Almond milk
English muffins
MOAR Kashi Rolls
Annie’s cereal
…and Bumblebars!

Expensive here, but $$$$ aside (har har), aren’t I an easy girl to please?

…don’t answer that.

I know I didn’t get nut butters. The big numbers put me off (though to be fair, that would include the price tag!) I don’t know whether to be disappointed in myself, or share in ED’s relief. I AM GOING TO GET IT. Maranatha Almond Butter, I will I will I WILL.

That, and apparently Brown Rice Paradise stocks the cutest things ever. Like Peter Rabbit Organic Apple Cookies. You have no idea how sad I was when my maxed out wallet told me to put it back.

Is it just me, or is it normal to suffer anxiety that other family members will get into your food stash? Mum offered to pay me back half of what it cost (I go organic shopping on my own…) but I have the feeling that I’d rather she didn’t and just have everyone not touch my food. Okay, that sounds both selfish and psychotic. ED keeps telling me that the food will get ‘contaminated’, that I can’t measure things out accurately anymore…etc. It’s SO STUPID, and yet!

Anyway, the appointment with Doc was okay-ish. My weight fell, but I don’t think either of us were all that surprised. I know I have to eat more, but even though eating in school is getting better, I can’t quite convince myself that I deserve to eat my snack and lunch at their full/correct portions. I mean, my variety and spontaneity with food has improved (only a little, but I’m not about to diss this), but if my argument with Mum this morning is anything to go by, I know deep down that I’m still going backwards. it’s just so hard to tell myself that my calorie intake isn’t enough, even when I know that just last month my Resource alone is more than what I eat at school.

I don’t want my weight to fall. Not ME, anyway, and I say this without ED’s bitchy input. But maintaining means “increasing” as the effing monster so kindly puts it, and it’s a constant struggle on my own, as Mum frankly told me that after she let go, she can’t help and now doesn’t want to. I think I know what she meant. Or maybe I don’t? But that really hurt. She’s still keeping an eye on me–this morning’s fight was over my weight loss, and her asking me about my period and whether I was cutting back (we both knew the answer)–and sometimes, her ‘reminders’, while well-intended, grate me the wrong way.

In any case, while there is a certain freedom now that lets me experiment and learn to trust myself more…ED’s voice can be so loud sometimes. I’m sliding, and I know it. But while I win some battles, I chicken out a lot too.

On the bus, after therapy, psyching myself up to get NEW things for my food stash.

Therapy was interesting, because it started out with her observation that I mumble a lot during sessions. I mean, most of the time I’m articulate enough–really!–but she does have to say “sorry, what did you say?” a lot too. We concluded that it was because I’m overly cautious about what I say, such that I mumble so in case I say something ‘not right’, it’s unlikely anyone will have heard. T suggests that regardless, I should JUST DO SAY IT, that it’s time I learnt to stop worrying about even this tiny aspect of life. People say the wrong things all the time!

This topic led on to my other uncertainties, my NEED TO KNOW how other people feel. People-pleaser! I constantly ask how other people are, worry that I did something to upset them, feel I’m inconveniencing people, that I can do more…etc. T thinks that my ED could be due to this, that anorexia is one thing I do to make ME happy, after so long of bending myself over backwards for others. Not as a pushover, but yeah. She told me that adults (namely, Mum and Dad) are grown-up enough to deal with their own unhappiness, that though it may be true sometimes, I am not always the reason for their black moods. SO DEAL.

I have to learn to recognise what I want, and not feel guilty for acting on it.

Productive session, if I may say:)

*cough* Less serious stuff…so after the epic spending, I now have no reason not to have more variety in my breakfast. I can’t believe I’m saying this, when I spent all of last year having the same thing for breakfast–change (if you can call variations in types of bread “change”) in the morning meal was forced onto me by Mum, grimly–but I WANT TO EAT DIFFERENT THINGS. Screw you, ED.

With Fage, I created this wee snow-topped mountain for brekkie this morning:

The last of Kashi Honey Puffs, apple butter, Fage!
Okay, so it’s not all that impressive or creative, but I just wanted an excuse to eat mah Fage.

And now it has made me wonder why anyone would eat the syrupy-artificial-blechhhh version they pass off as yogurt out there.

I loved its ‘tanginess’ (is that what you call it???) and the texture (it’s like…solid. And yet, not!), so guess what? I had it for snackie today.

Raisins, MORE invisible apple butter (I have missed thee!), and the rest of the Fage. Happiness in a tub.

So it’s not totally glamorous or pretty to look at, but my tummy thanks me. (You’re welcome!) And, one additional plus is that with this kinda awesome yogurt messes…sequential eating is a no-go. This is a big issue for me, as the Doc has pointed out that it’s one of the things that make me symptomatic, and it’s true: sammies are ‘dissected’, meals are eaten in a certain order without the food touching, etc. But heck, I’m not so stupid as to let ED ruin my enjoyment of this by making me eat what, dry cereal by itself just because I can’t eat the lot together?

Before I stop with this rambling, the now-obligatory bar reviews…

Carrot Cake Clif bar

Uhm, while the general consensus is that Clif bars can do no wrong, the white chocolate in this bar was a tad too much for me. Overall, the bar was too sweet, and while the dried carrot–I kid you not!–made me smile, this was kind of a letdown.

Tropical Fruit Tart Larabar

Sorry, but the coconut reminded me too strongly of Lara’s Key lime Pie. It’s not a bad bar–no way–but I still can’t quite appreciate the coconuttiness (LOL).

On the other hand…

Pecan Pie

I get the feeling I’m compensating for the lack of nut butters. But all good, no? ‘Cos seriously, nuts in bars just make me happy. NOM NOM.

Ah well. Have a lovely weekend, everyone! <3

The ART post. Or really, just nonsense.

Okay, I know I said this would be an art post. But can I just start with a declaration of love?

This, dear bloggers, is the SEASONAL CLIF BAR: Cranberry Orange Nut Bread.

These are not flattering photos, but then we all know that food looks better in real life. Right in front of you.And anyway, I assure you that THIS BAR IS FRIGGING OOMPH DELICIOUS. Dried fruits, the chewiness of granola/puffed rice, icing (ahaha, ED!)…it’s hard to think that a couple of months ago, just after I’d unsteadily clambered onto the barLOVE bandwagon, the Clif bar remained in my bar stash right till the very last. Because of the ‘huge’ number on it–which I think came from my horror that supplements could be so dense. (I think I cried when I was told to take Ensure, because it exceeded the calories in my breakfast. PATHETIC.)

BUT.

Dear Clif. I <3 you.

Luna bars, I have not forgotten thee. I mean, it's just that I haven't had one in a while (hint, hint), and while I think that it really clinched my love for bars by making a good FIRST impression on me, a fickle girl's gotta have something! (That said, it's time to go on a raid again. Me wallet doth protests–too much-but I'm going with a list this time.)

Now, back to the main topic of today! Hmm. Movies!

I know it’s way ‘old’ by now, but Dad recently rented a copy of Julie & Julia. That made my weekend!

Meryl Streep is one of the best actresses ever! She really LIVES the role–it’s hard to think she was the same person in The Devil Wears Prada. Whoa. Love her in this movie…well, right after I got over my giggles at her helium voice.

It’s kind of a weird movie for a disordered eater to watch, isn’t it? Or maybe not–I remember watching cooking shows and reading cookbooks while I was starving.

SICK.

But I don’t think I’m into that anymore. At least, I know I watched this movie as a NORMAL person, laughing and appreciating it as a good, touching movie about food and its importance/impact on life.

That said, what I could relate to was Julie Powell’s blogging. (May I add that Amy Adams played her brilliantly too!) The way her blogging started…uncertain that anybody (anyone?) reads your posts, then the sheer thrill when you find out someone cares enough to comment, followed by the sudden need to blog about everything. And when does it then become doing things for your readers? Not that it’s bad–though the fight between Julie and her husband made it very clear that we can go WAY overboard–but sometimes having a little peer pressure can be helpful. Like doing the right thing (eating the proper snacks, meeting intake for the day, TRYING NEW FOODS) because you know that there are people out there waiting to cheer you on.

Or maybe I’m just a people-pleaser.

ANYWAY. The other movie was New York, I Love You.

(I second that! Especially because some wonderful twinnies we all know live there!)

It’s a collection of short stories movis about/set in NY–and it’s wonderfully funny! Er…in an NC16 way. It’s rated for a reason

I really liked the one that Natalie Portman acted in–and
the one she directed! Both were really funny and touching, and while I don’t want to be a spoiler, let’s just say that she goes to GREAT LENGTHS for acting!

Sidetrack: I find Natalie Portman to be a great role model–she’s smart AND pretty, doesn’t succumb to Hollywood’s pressure to be just another dumb blonde (no offence!) actress. Heck, she’s vegan and walks the talk, with her awesome environmentally-friendly shoe line. <3

Er, back to the movie? It was watched with my old friend TWERP. yes, we call each other that. Affectionately.

Really.

It was for old times' sake-best buds in primary school–and to celebrate her O-level results. Genius girl scored UBER well, to say the least!

Other than the movie, we went shopping! Kind of cruel on TWERP because she'd just run out of money, but oh well…

New Look. I KNOW, RIGHT?! Ankle ‘boots’ in fakeFAKE leather. For $34!!!!! (Sale, but hey )

Okay, so I have no excuse not to go grocery shopping now.

*sobs*

TWERP gave me a late birthday present, which included a folder full of carefully selected magazine editorials/adverts. Perfect timing, because some manic spring cleaner *coughmecough* had decided to tear up/down her old posters, and was looking for material to plaster her now woefully barren wall with.

The end product. Or not. I stuck some old photos on later.

The (pathetic) art obsession hasn’t been limited to 2D materials. Seeing all the recent PERFECTLY UNDERSTANDABLE IN MY OPINION love for headbands–handmade ones–I decided to get with the snippety-snip, and er…glueing. (I fail with a needle and thread)

Hey, I think it ended up pretty okay, though!

Gotta go catch Glee now…night!

FUDdy on the mind

I asked my dad in the car yesterday: When was the last time you did something new?

This came up because at that moment (throughout church, really) I was thinking about nut butters. You know the way you suddenly have this craving for a certain food? Well, yeah. Methinks it was possibly due to my mum’s new love that she had this morning:


This is Japanese sesame paste. I know, looks rather like smooth tar, doesn’t it? Mum loved it anyway…like tahini? I don’t know…I smelled it (and there’s no other way to describe it but distinct) and it DOES look inviting.

But I digress. I’ve been thinking about trying a new food lately, actually. The last time was what? I mean, the last BIG THING. Bars, really. And if that revelation was anything to go by, trying new food should be on the top of my to-do-NOW list.

Uh. I compromised, by having several ‘tricky’ foods over the weekend. (For the life of me, I don’t know why I took so long. Oh wait. I do.)

1. NON-instant oatmeal. AKA, rolled oats. That were supposed to be stove-top cooked oats…but laziness (not ED!) got the better of me…and well, technology, I embrace you.

I used the microwave.

Cheapskate Apple Pie Oats

1/2 cup rolled oats, 1 cup water (I wanted to try soymilk(!) but nada in the house), 1 apple chopped up…and 1/2 cup Kashi cereal. Just because.

I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship…if even silly mixups likethis could make me happy at 7 in the morning. Oh yes.

2. Chocolate. I mean, Jocolat. Chocolate orange flavour, to be specific.

3. So no PB. But I can have a PB cookie. YES I CAN.

I think I could eat this again. And again and again and again. Larabar, you have won Clif this time.

Now, my point for this incredibly random and distacted post is FUDdy. Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt. These are the things that stop us when we want to try something new, when we want to break out of old (deadly, in this case) habits. FUDdy is ED’s new pal on the block…or maybe it’s always been around. Dad mentioned this to me in response to my question, and well, he does have a way with words–or really, acronyms. Pfffft!

It’s true, though. What’s stopping me from taking my snack when I know I should, or stopping me from taking that extra little bit more of food that I like (I ADMIT I like!)? What’s stopping me from marching out to get a jar of PB/almond butter/coconut butter/HEAVEN IN A JAR THAT I HAVE YET TO TRY!?!?

Sigh. That’s it for this post…will be writing soon again…with art and movies as the topic! FUDdy-kick-ass time:)

This week, in slow-mo.

Happy Thursday (evening), lovies! Before I do anything else, I want to congratulate Maya, who’s looking like she has a brilliant chance of getting into Pratt, her school of choice!

Maya, I am thrilled to bits for you, sweetie <3

I have some pretty good news of my own too! On the work front (and I literally mean work…waitressing job, remember?) I've gotten my cheque for December–yessss!!!!! Although really, it's probably entirely gone to Dad for the H&M shopping spree, boo–and while I haven’t worked any shifts in almost a month now, the manage offered to let me keep my uniform, saying I can go back to work during my holidays!

If that isn’t good news, I don’t know what is!

(Well, because I’d really like to scrap back the remains of that December cheque…)

Other money issues include finding an absolute bargain at Borders the bookstore. I’m studying English Linguistics now for A-levels, and one key recommended author is David Crystal. Guess who found one hefty good book by said author for $11?

My Linguistics teacher (jokingly?) told me that she was very “annoyed”, because she paid way more than that!

Nerdy side note: I think this year’s set text for Literature (includes The Wide Sargasso Sea) is quite interesting…so lessons are looking up!

On the other hand, I’m having a tough time trying to find a group of friends to fit in with. The girls taking my subject combinations are already pretty much a group of their own, having been previous classmates and on the softball team together. Two girls I get on well with are great, but we only share Math, Economics and some free periods together. Plus, they’re tight, really close buddies already, so it gets kinda awkward sometimes… Blah. Social stuff is beyond me, honestly.

Still, I did join the History and Current Affairs Society with them!

We had a tea party (say that with a funk-ay Brit accent!) yesterday…it was donuts, cream puffs, ice cream and drinks. I didn’t eat them, except for taking a packet of soymilk drink (after battling with myself ED and getting upset that the calorie content was higher than expected) But it was a lively, productive first meeting nonetheless!

Speaking of food…

Clif Banana Nut Bread!

It smelled of…chocolate. Not nanners…and see?

The choco chip: I am one of many!!!

It was a yum-licious bar. I felt guilty at first, because honestly, that was after lunch in school, and I was already having a hard time dealing with meals ‘alone’. (Old classmates exclaiming over my presence in the canteen with food in front of me did NOT help) Plus, ED kept hissing that chocolate made it bad bad bad, that I shouldn’t be indulging. BUT I LIKED IT AND ED WENT TO JUMP IN A LAKE. SO THERE.

Other bar hits! include:

Ze Apple Pie Larabar

I swear it totally smelled like apple pie, just opening the wrapper! And it tasted like…well, apple pie in a bar. And all that that implies.

Kashi Roll! Oatmeal Walnut


Me suspects that the (oh-so-NOT-sinful-you-ED-monster) yummy chewiness was due to the caramel/toffee in the bar, in addition to the walnut paste! Hmm. Long time since I’d had toffee and the like. But it was a good bar anyway!

See, just yesterday Dad’s insurance man came by, and he was settling new insurance for the entire family. And well…anorexia came up as a liability in my application. Honestly? It SUCKED big time, having the man awkwardly ‘inquire’ as to my meds, weight, state of recovery…

ED is so not worth it, having this stigma and the trouble.

So today I was kind of…motivated? I knew I hadn’t had enough for lunch by midday, so on impulse I got a carton of milk. And it felt OK! Eating in school has been getting better, even if it’s really due to not wanting to be ostracized by my new friends. Still not enough, in terms of intake, honestly, but it’s getting easier. Then just now, I had an apple, even though ED insisted that I’d already had enough fruits (papaya after dinner) for the day. It’s not HUGE stuff, but I think this intuitive eating? I kind of understand why it’s important. Maybe.

Whew! Boy, I’m pooped. School has me seriously exhausted all the time, so night lovies! I gotta go recharge with some much-needed sleep!

Food post!

I know, I’ve been kind of lacking in the see-food department on this blog of late. Heck, even my last few posts haven’t been all that interesting…too short, too distracted. Blogging’s going to be a bit of a problem right now because my computer use is being very closely monitored by Dad, and well, posting goes like this for me:

-bursting full of ambition and excitement over next post
-starts getting delayed by (lousy!) uploading of photos
-lose track of what I intended to post
-gets cut off by Dad and has to end off…weird.

See what I mean? Pffffffffffft.

But anyway, I’ve been trying out some new YUM-LICIOUS bars of late…running into a tasty streak? LOL. Remember I mentioned in the last post that I recently bought some new eats?

I think I’ve fallen in love with yet another of Kashi’s cereal.

7 Whole Grain Honey Puffs is love love love!!! I don’t know, I just like eating whole-grain, nutty stuff…it’s a pity that I still can’t quite work up the nerve to tackle nut butters, but we’ll see.

Other cereals I’ve tried of late include this new brand of oatmeal by Nature’s Path. Okay, so it’s instant oatmeal, because for the life of me I have no idea why I’m terrified of the proper stove-cooked oats WHEN I USED TO EAT IT JUST AS ANY OTHER OATMEAL, but well, this was an interesting bowl of oats.

With almonds…sneaky on the side.

It was a salty shock, really. Being used to Quakers’ sweeter oatmeal, this Nature’s Path had sea salt in it instead, and while not unpleasant, it did take some getting used to!

But I was scraping the bowl clean at the end…so you know my verdict:)

Let’s move on to bars (love of my life…NOT kidding!) But this comes with a little problem. Having started school again, on a campus that’s much further away now–plus classes end at 5 every day–it’s impossible to come home for lunch. Not that my mum would have me do that, because she is now officially hands-off.

That started at first as her letting me control my mealtimes and what I ate, but at the last visit to the Doc on Wednesday, she completely lost it. She ended up crying in the office…and well, later at home she told me that from now on she was just going to view me as normal. Not that that meant she completely ignores the fact that I do eat differently–she later went out and bought reduced-sugar soymilk for me–but that she refuses to associate me with ED anymore. And that’s true, because over the past few days, she has never mentioned the topic of my eating or anorexia to me. She also confessed that it was frankly a relief to her, because the last year had made her so paranoid and stressed up over my eating and weight–now she can just have a normal conversation with me.

Oh well. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing because I’ve been given a real ultimatum by the Doc now. I have to stop twisting my meals around (I initially ate lunch in the morning and just a bar for the noon meal on school days because I was afraid I couldn’t cope with eating outside by myself) and just EAT LUNCH for real at school. And if that fails, I’m being checked in. Not for my weight, but because of my screwed up eating behaviours. Well. SCREW YOU, ED. I don’t have time to let you ruin my life. I’m determined to get my As this year, and having to take time off just to abide to you stupid rules is NOT going to happen.

Phew. Where was I? Oh yes. Bars.

This went down like an overgrown Fig Newton. A delicious, blueberry Fig Newton. Does that make sense? Why yes.

I LOVE this bar!!! It’s–dare I say–better than my all-time favourites of Luna bars…crumbly and still having that whole-grain texture, not too sweet either, despite having that little (flaked off) swirl of ‘icing’ on top.

Like I said, I’ve hit some very nice bars indeed, over the last week. Everyone likes vanilla, be it the flavour or scent, and this bar promised that on the label– mean, vanilla, lemon and cashew? You’d be insane not to pick this one up. And surprise goji berries were inside too:) I usually only encounter these wolfberries (as I know them) in Chinese herbal soups, but they were lovely in this bar, which was nutty and sweet enough at the same time.

I recently have decided to start reading more classics..if only because my new classmates have a taste for those books, and not wanting to be left out–I am a voracious reader, but I don’t have the attention span for heavy-going classics like War and Peace–I want to expand my taste and reading list to include more of Jane Austen, the Bronte sisters and the like. Its not that I’m a chick lit addict, no…that’s not really my cup of tea either, but this year’s Lit class has started on the Wide Sargasso Sea, which has left me scrambling for Jane Eyre and wondering “why the heck I haven’t read this before?!?!”

Trying to look intellectual has its personal benefits. These classics aren’t as dried-up and boring as they’re stereotyped to be!

PLus, just one more question. My manager at work recently called to ask if I was coming back to work–I haven’t done shifts in half a month now–and to be honest, while I would like the extra pocket money (I splurged my last paycheck on H&M, remember! Worth it, but my wallet doth protest) I’m not so sure I can afford the time. Or if I want to. So, should I? I’m already trying to rev myself up to get back into concert band after the holiday’s hooky, plus I’ve joined the History and Current Affairs Society in school…overextending myself?

In any case, have a lovely weekend, sweeties! Going to get ready for night out with my aunt and cousin:)

Blessed…and maybe just spoiled:)

First off…I LOVE LOVE LOVE TOKYO.

I had a wonderful week there in Japan–thank you, Dad!–and seriously, if I were to post everything that made me happy these past few days, this would be one loooooooong post.

I won’t put you guys through that. Not intentionally anyway!

And so much more! I’d post them on FB, but I’m kinda short on time…and patience? LOL.

The trip wasn’t entirely smooth. I had a fight with Dad one night during dinner that carried well over till midnight. Largely it was over Dad getting a little upset over my initial refusals to have more for dinner–I’d kept saying “NO” to him, and he doesn’t take well to that, after a while–and well, ED really effed up that evening.

Anyway, one of the surprise highlights was the shopping. I know, stuff in Japan is supposedly expensive, but there was this H&M outlet in Shibuya that had a MAJOR sale going on, so you get stuff like more than 25% of the original price. Serisously. Like flannel shirts (not unlike Gap) and leather bags for US$5 and US$15 respectively.

Of course I went crazy and went on an epic spree.

I don’t think I’ve stoppd the outflow of cash yet…since I just went out and bought 2 more shirts for a total of $15. Well, at least I get good bargains!:)

So, I’ve stocked up my bars again! I GOT PB&J LARABAR!!!! And the seasonal Clif Bar too! Brown Rice Paradise, ILU.


Can anyone say YAY????

Tomorrow’s the first day of school…so gotta go to bed now! Wish me luck:)

Have a great week ahead <3

17 reasons to smile.

I’m 17 today!!! Gosh, it seems like just yesterday I was struggling on my hellish 16th… 0_o Oh well, new year, new start, new ME.

In no particular order (I’m being whimsical today…and oh is it LOVELY to just go with the flow and have fun!)…

Reason Number 1 to celebrate:
I have a family who loves me.

Number 2!
My brother is a real softie on the inside. He got me Neil Gaiman’s The Sandman!!!


Beautiful, isn’t it??? Shh, I’m a geek at heart.

Number 3…
I have awesome friends.

We go out and take over malls window shop. Study (riiiight) together. Making lame jokes. Can’t smile without you…feel glad when you’re glad…

Barry Manilow got that right:)

Plus I woke up to an overflowing inbox on my handphone with well wishes. And Facebook just spammed my email.

I love you guys!

Number 4!
My dad ain’t all tough love. I think the men in my family are actually like gruff teddies…you just gotta know how to push the right buttons?

Number 5!
My housekeeper is more than just a housekeeper. She is an awesome cook (Screw you, ED). Great buddy to chat nonsense with…and someone who loves horror TV shows and movies as much as I do:)

Number 6…
Mum understands more than I give her credit for. And even if she doesn’t act or speak like it (I’m getting her a box of tact for her birthday in March. Seriously.), I know I can count on her to pull me up short and catch me when I fall.

Number 7.
I have a roof over my head and a bed (may I mention I love my bed) to sleep in at night. And in the morning for you know…morning naps? Hehe.

Number 8!
My school…is actually a great place to go to for the compulsory 5 days a week, you-eat-my-life education I need to have.

*cough*

Number 9…
My aunts and cousins.

My dad’s sister called last night and invited me out for dinner, just the two of us for my birthday. And she is my go-to person for wardrobe finds. She’s like…a big sister, really!

Number 10.
Borders is near enough for me to spend the entire day in and pretend I own the place.

I think I may have mentioned that before, but hey, good things are worth repeating.

Number 11…
I’ve come to know all of you lovely bloggers. And really, I don’t want to think what I would’ve done without your support!

Number 12.
I get to do the subjects I love this year, for my A-levels. Math, Econs (okay, maybe that, not so much, but we’ll see?), English Literature!!! and Linguistics.

<3 reading.

Number 13!
There are two organic/health food stores near my house.

Time to plunder them…my stash of bars and cereal is running low!

Number 14.
I can appreciate music. ‘Nuff said, because really, piano and flute is just awesome.

Number 15…
There are TV shows I love (and ahem, actors to drool over) like The Mentalist, Supernatural, House…weekday nights!

Number 16!
Things have come a long way since my miserable, sullen days of late 2008 and 2009. Maybe I’m not entirely there yet, but progress is progress, and honestly, I’m glad to be more ME than ED today.

Which brings me to…

NUMBER 17.
I’m glad I’m alive.

Haha, so enough of me waxing lyrical and rambling nonsense. Utter nonsense. I’m off to pack for that lovely country called Japan (sushi, anime, museums…here I come!) and to enjoy the lovely gifts I got.

Stella McCartney sneakers!!!!

Okaaaaay, spoilt brat has finished her little quirky dance of happiness. Hope all of you had a wonderful, wonderful start to 2010, so have a great (first) weekend!

Love you all <3

One year, where’s it gone?

Hi guys! Long time no post, I know, and all that jazz…But I really felt like I had to write something today.

It’s exactly one year since I was diagnosed, and frankly, it’s got me wondering where I am now today. This time last year, I was waiting in the clinic to see Doc for the first time, having already had an argument with Mum over my paltry breakfast of plain oats and water…had a blood test, quarreled with mum over my lunch of tomato soup…life really sucked. One year on, I’ve embraced more food groups, eating three meals and one snack is back to being the norm, I’ve gotten my period back. Progress?

I just had an appointment with Doc yesterday, and that, added with some things that have happened this past week (month!) with Mum and myself…let’s just say things aren’t the same anymore.

I’ve been..purging.

I am NOT proud of this, and I swear, I would do anything to go back to a time before I had this compulsion to sick everything up. It SUCKS, big time–and anyone who thinks that having your food defy gravity and your body’s mechanisms to keep it in your stomach…is seriously stupid. I know, easy for me to say.

NO IT’S NOT. I’ve sworn to stop, and I’m proud to say I haven’t done that stick-your-head-down-the-toilet for a week now. Maybe I’m lucky in that I got caught early before it became a major habit and problem–thanks, Mum–but seriously. ED mutating and everything…things have really gotten out of control over this month.

Mum has decided that she’s going to go completely hands-off. How much I eat, when and what I eat…it’s up to me now, though she often reminds me with that Peter Parker quote, paraphrased to become “with freedom comes responsibility”. She said that she’s realized that al this manhandling and ‘force-feeding’ hasn’t gotten the both of us anywhere. Just led me to the toilet–literally–and it’s ruining our relationship. So I’m given absolute free reign…with the knowledge that hitting rock bottom means only two things. The coffin or crawling my way back up.

Truth be told, it’s kind of overwhelming, having to make decisions and accept that yes, I’m eating because I want to eat.

Piss off, ED.

I’m no longer required to take supplements, and while all this is liberating–I haven’t felt this unstressed and relieved for a long, long time–figuring out what to replace it with everyday is both an exciting and worrisome thing. Ah well. I’m glad to say that I’ve managed to have something everyday, instead of skipping out on snacks altogether. I’ve had a blueberry bar (like an overgrown fig newton in disguise), peanut butter Kashi bar in oats…and a banana muffin.

SCORE!

I don’t know. What with Mum, the T and Doc telling me it’s time to take responsibility…I’m done. I’m done pretending everything is under control, that I can ignore this problem for the rest of my life. NO WAY, NO HOW. It’s been one year, I’m about to turn seventeen, I’ve had it playing pretend.

(Especially since if this continues, I’m going to be put on anti-psychotics…but that’s another thing altogether!!!)

This kind of feels like a fresh start. Wacko, idealistic, unrealistic, call it whatever, but I’m not playing games with myself anymore.

Phew, done with the hard talk and the ranting. Maybe I am delusional?!?! 0_o Anyway, I’m just really thrilled out of my socks (figuratively speaking)!

I’m going to TOKYO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My dad just woke me up on Monday morning and asked if I’d like to go to Tokyo with him…and here I am, preparing the itinerary for the trip next week!

Did I mention that I’m so frigging excited?

I am worried about mealtimes and all that, but really, I just wanna kick ED out of the way and have a GOOD TIME. I’ve missed out on trips with my family because of ED. This time, NOT ANYMORE. First trip in 2 years…and I am determined to have a blast with my dad. So lovies, gonna come back with photos and tales galore…yay!

Have a very Happy New Year, everyone:) May 2010 be an even more awesome year for all of you!

Hugs and kisses by the ton <3

Vanishing acts.

Hey lovelies! I’m so sorry I’ve been MIA for more than a week…things have been really tense between my parents and I lately, but the good thing that has come out of it is that I really know that it’s ED they’re fighting. That it’s ED we have to fight together. Easier said than done, but it’s a comfort to know.

As you’ve probably gathered from that (oh-so-unexpected, who am I kidding?) paragraph and explanation, the situation’s kind of at a standstill now, all the “won’t”s and “no”s coming out in full force. It sucks. Seriously. I’m terrified like hell. My mum was just asking me the other day what it was that kept me with ED (a complete turnaround from the usual question of “what would motivate you to get better”) and I was giving her a flip response–largely ‘cos I was irritated with the subject–and said “Because with ED nothing changes. And I’m afraid of changes.”

Yeah, I know. That ‘life’s only constant is change’ and all that. It was just something I hawked up to appease her, but when I said it…there really is no denying it that I’m such a stickler for rigidity and ‘rituals’ and things going exactly as planned, knowing exactly what’s going to happen.

Wimp.

Huh. But basically, I’m not about to write out sob stories, which I’ve been doing of late. Tiring and trying to write as well as to read, and I’m personally fed up with having this black dog on my shoulder too! I’ve had it with this. ED has gotten me kicked out from playing in a concert I’ve been for preparing months for, made me cry, ruined my social life…I’ve spent most of the hols cooped up at home because I can’t cope with eating outside by myself very much. EPIC SUCKS.

So, all you lovely blogger sweethearts out there, this little wimp girl is going to take yet another short break from blogging…I don’t think I’m ready to face the pressure from the community right now. Cowardly, yes. Stupid and stubborn. Check, check. But the stress from trying to find positive things to do and say is horrible, and makes me feel like a hypocrite. Just lemme get my mojo back, ‘kay?

Will be back ASAP–love you all too much!

Self-combusting, about now.

I hate my mum. I hate the housekeeper. I hate my dad. My family. I hate the ED team. I hate ED. Oh fuck this.

Today royally sucks. And morning’s not even over yet.

I’m sorry. Yesterday wasn’t so bad, since I went out and window shopped with J, watched a silly Japanese movie called Happy Flight (seriously, the trailer’s just plain ridiculous)…had lunch by ‘myself’ outside…seems pretty good, huh?

Seriously? 6 bucks. 2 hours. Sometimes I wonder about the things I let J talk me into…

But Mum seems to be forcing more food on me under the pretence that the servings I take are not enough. I’m already taking the NORMAL SERVINGS!!!!! No cheating, none! If you want me to eat more, just be effing straight about it with me. And Lord, she keeps picking on me, the way I eat, when I eat…

And she’s accusing me of making life complicated for myself?

Click it. Pffft.

Sigh. Sorry, this wasn’t really much of a post. I am just so, so fed up. And tired. And angry. But mostly tired. Huh. Hope all you sweeties woke up to a better Friday than I did!